Unconvenient conflict resolving techniques of Sirius Black
by Mirgaxus
Summary: After the Prank everything feels broken and Sirius is tired of himself, so he decides it's time to be someone else. Quote: "Of course, he hadn't planned to do it to seek out Remus as someone-not-him, but if he had been completely honest with himself, he would have known that exactly that would happen."


Sirius had taken two steps inside the library when James spotted him and started to glare daggers at him. Sirius grinned cheekily at him, adjusted his silver-and-green tie and walked up to the table at the far end of the aisle where James and Remus were sitting.

"Your lover boy is here", James said nastily to Remus as Sirius flopped down on the chair. Sirius blew James a kiss and winked.

Remus smiled at Sirius, eyes twinkling. "Hey Harold."

"Hey Loopy", said Sirius. "Mind sending that plonker away? He is ruining my good mood."

"I'm not leaving Remus alone with a slimeball like you", said James.

"We are in the library, James. Harold is not going to kill me here", said Remus. "Too many witnesses, not how Slytherins operate, remember. Why don't you go and see if Pads has returned to the dorm? Must be hiding under his bed again."

"We should booby trap his bed, maybe he'd finally stop being nuts", muttered James, still glaring at Sirius, but he did rose from his chair. "One of these days I'll catch him, he cannot outrun me forever. But enough of the madnesses. I'll go find Pete. He is the only one who's not crazy this year. I need some sanity in my life."

"You do that", agreed Remus.

As James left the library, Sirius picked up one of Remus' quills to twirl between his fingers and said with a cheerful grin: "You have very strange friends, Lupin".

Remus snorted as he folded a piece of blank parchment he had been holding and tucked it away in his pocket. Sirius' smile grew wider – that was almost a laugh, so he would give himself half a point for that.

* * *

~Then~

Sirius was standing outside their dorm. He knew that the rest of his friends – now sixth years, the lot of them, almost at the top of the pecking order – were likely already inside. He felt scared, which was not very familiar feeling for him. Too much depended on this moment. Remus had sat with other Prefects in the train and Sirius had had too much time contemplating all the different ways he could ruin their friendship even further with wrong words. Again.

Two of them had seen each other only briefly over the Summer, at Potters'. Remus had come to visit, but he hadn't stayed for long and Sirius had a feeling he had come only so that Remus' parents wouldn't cotton on to the fact that there was a rift the size of the ocean between Remus and his friends. Or, rather, between Remus and Sirius – Sirius had seen Remus and James talking once at Potters' kitchen and it seemed that Remus was maybe over distancing himself from James and Peter.

Before Sirius could chicken out and stay the night at the kitchens, he opened the door, stepped inside and closed it again. He had plans, he had words – he had rehearsed them many a time and he was going to fix everything now. He was going to talk himself out of the doghouse, and he would make Remus laugh again and things would get normal again, and Merlin himself wouldn't be able to stop him now.

As he had thought, they were all inside already. And it seemed like they had been waiting for him, all three sitting on their beds, trunks unopened still.

James had his serious face on, the face that Sirius did not like at all because it felt all wrong for James to look so adult. Peter was twisting his hands and looking between everyone nervously and blabbering about dinner. But it was the resigned expression on Remus' face that twisted Sirius' heartstrings, the cautiousness, awkwardness and wariness that was still there, after all these months. Remus looked at him like he just wanted to say, "Let's get this over with, Black, so I can ignore you again and go eat".

And Sirius knew that nothing he had planned to say was going to fix this. He felt the fight rush out of him as he looked at Remus and searched his face for any sign of hope. Two of them, Sirius realized with a painful jolt, were broken beyond repair and this, this would be what he should accept as a reality and stomp on his longings for the past. There was not going to be easy laughs or unquestioned trust ever again. All his hopes that this year, this year they could go back to normal, fell down and he was feeling faint and he had forgotten all his words and he couldn't handle the wrongness of this all so he turned into a dog and hid under his bed.

He heard the door open and close as Remus left. James kicked Sirius' bed. Peter hiccuped, said: "Can I turn to rat, too?" and then James was yelling at them both, at them all, for being idiots.

* * *

~Now~

"You know, one of these days James is going to hex you if you keep annoying him too much", said Remus. "I've asked him not to, but if you push him too far..."

Sirius shrugged. "He can try. I'm not afraid of Potty." He watched as Remus flipped through the thick tome, long fingers precise and hiding stiffness and chronic pain that Sirius knew was there.

"You should be. He doesn't hold back, when it's Slytherins", said Remus and chewed his lip like he wanted to say something more.

Sirius smiled and leaned forward. "You shouldn't be worried about me. As you pointed out, I am a Slytherin. I know how to watch my back from the likes of your friends." Sirius was actually a little thrilled for a possibility for a fight with James. It would probably be good for both of them, he reasoned – James had left Slytherins (mostly) alone after the Incident, and Sirius himself hadn't had a proper fight with anyone for half a year. Really, it would be good stress relief to pound each other's heads in.

"I just don't want you to get hurt. Please tune it down a bit when he's around, okay?"

Sirius looked at Remus' solemn face. This was still little intoxicating, these moments in the library, when Remus looked him in the eye. It was hard to remember the reality, here, which of course was the whole point of this. "Well... Since you ask... Anything for you, you know." And Sirius didn't wink or blew a kiss or make a joke out of it, because Remus didn't know, Remus didn't know it was Sirius, so it meant that Sirius – Harold – was allowed to say that sincerely, say it honestly. Affectionately.

Remus had a faint blush on his cheeks as he smiled and said: "Thanks". Their table was under a window and the sunlight danced on Remus' hair and Sirius thought, maybe, maybe Harold would be allowed to touch too.

"I think I want to kiss you."

Remus looked up at him startled and Sirius realized that they were still in a reality where boys just didn't say that aloud, even if they were not Sirius. "I- forget it, I mean- Would you hit me if I kissed you?"

Remus stared at him. Sirius was starting to panic a little.

"If you would, just pretend I said nothing", Sirius blabbered and his mind was both racing and freezing and he was already regretting rocking this fragile boat they had built in their haven of the library. What was the worst thing that could happen, the worst things Remus could say or do? He could polyjuice to someone else certainly, if Remus decided to hate Harold too now. Remus still hadn't said anything, it was disconcerting, he had to know if things were okay or if he should get up and start to run. "Talk to me. What are you thinking? Please."

This seemed to get Remus out of his mind. "That's rich", he muttered, but not angrily and he didn't explain his comment further. Sirius watched as Remus took a breath and closed his book and seemed to compose himself. "But you are right. I think 'talk' is what we really need. Because I need to tell you something first."

* * *

~Then~

Sirius spent most of his nights and evenings in the dorm as a dog nowadays. During the last full moon he had been allowed to join the others, and it hadn't been too bad – he had ran around the shack and chewed on furniture while waiting on the moon, leaving others to their own company until the screaming had started. Otherwise, only time he had saw Remus since the start of the year was quickly in the mornings and in the evenings, and from painful distance in meals and classes.

He wished he could be a dog all the time. It was easier to just be when he didn't feel the guilt and awkwardness. It was easier to be something else than himself, but it was also incredibly boring to be a dog. There were only so many shoes he could slobber on (especially since he didn't touch anything that was his or Remus'). So when in one boring History of Magic lesson he had come up with the idea of trying to be not _something_ else but _someone_ else, he had thought he'd nick a batch of polyjuice from Slughorn and would try it out once or twice. Just a short break from being himself.

He had been an idiot, since he hadn't thought of how addicting Remus' company would be. Of course, he hadn't planned to do it to seek out Remus as someone-not-him, but if he had been completely honest with himself, he would have known that exactly that would happen.

Even the person he picked as his temporary alter ego was perfect for stalking Remus anonymous. A nondescript Slytherin not in their year. Not a Prefect, not very popular. Just a lanky uninteresting fifth year named Harold Spencer. The first time, Sirius-as-Harold had just sat there in the library, at a table next to Remus', stealing glances at him. He hadn't thought too much on why he was doing it. It just felt nice. Almost like before the Incident, just spending time with Remus. His time was up and he had to leave just when he started to get bored and wish he could tease Moony out of his books like in the old good times.

Second and third time had went similarly. Fourth time, Sirius had been riled up after he had caught James with his cloak trying to follow him and see where he was sneaking to after weeks of sulking at dorm. They had had a little row and James had stomped away. It was touching, really, how James cared, but Sirius had been too pissed off by how James had made Sirius' Operation Moony Stalking just that much harder now to appreciate the gesture properly. Sirius knew that James would not give up, the stubborn bastard he was, so his days of anonymous stalking would be limited. So at the library, at fourth time as Harold, he had decided to make the most of his time and he had sat at Remus' table and introduced himself.

Remus had looked him in the eye, had smiled at him and had allowed him to sit at his table.

And there was no way that Sirius could have resisted the fifth, the sixth and the seventh times after that. And then he stopped counting and just relished in this new strange routine of sneaking past James to break records on "How many times I can make Moony laugh in one hour today" every Tuesday and Thursday when Remus was in the library.

* * *

~Now~

"You don't know me well enough to tell me your secrets!" Sirius said rather loudly to Remus in his panicked outrage. Remus had never told them about his lycanthropy – no, they had had to dig it out of him – and here he was, ready to share his secrets with some random kid he had known only for a couple of months! Sirius looked around and lowered his voice. "I am a Slytherin! Don't be an idiot Moo- Remus! You cannot trust Slytherins like this! Risks! Think of the risks!"

Remus stared at him blankly for a moment, and then snorted and glanced around too before speaking quietly. "It's not that. I didn't mean my... furry little problem." Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius and looked thoroughly amused and like there was a joke that Sirius was missing.

Sirius gaped at him. Remus looked around too, to make sure there was still nobody around. "Look, I have to show you something", he said and took a parchment out of his pocket. "It's something I have been working on and I planned that I would show it to you anyway, because I don't know how to get around a few problems."

Sirius watched as Remus took out his wand. "Is- is this what you needed to talk to me about? What?"

"Yes. A map", said Remus quietly and smiled. "Do you remember how we planned it, a year ago?"

Sirius remembered. They had talked about it, before the Incident... He looked away from Remus and the blank parchment. "It was supposed to be the next big thing after..." He gulped. "So you made it. It works?"

"It's only a prototype. It doesn't have room drawn, I don't know how to get that part working. But... it shows people around the map. Just a radius of maybe twenty feet."

Sirius nodded. He realized that Remus was talking to him still, and there was no yelling or punching happening, which all were actually rather promising signs. Sirius looked at Remus, at his cautious but hopeful and amused expression and thought, that expression is all for me, not for Harold, and Sirius started to feel little light headed. "So... you are not mad at me?"

Remus looked hesitant for a long scary moment, but eventually shook his head. "No. I... I had missed you too, you know", he muttered and twisted the parchment a little in his hands. "You were avoiding even James, being a right pain in the ass, you know. We thought you had lost your mind completely and would soon decide to run away and live your life as a street mutt or something". Remus looked at him, sunlight dancing still in his hair and smiled shyly and uncertainly. "I was confused at first, but since I started to believe you weren't trying to pull a joke with this farce and just... Well, I am not angry."

They watched each other for a moment, and then Remus' smile grew a bit. "Since you are such a Slytherin about everything, I'm still not sure how much you have meant the last couple of weeks. But you know... I wouldn't hit you, if..."

Sirius blushed and cleared his throat, remembering what had been discussed before the revelations. Remus was looking at him, but this was still a little too real for Sirius. He was not used to being Sirius-as-Sirius with Remus (even though he still looked like Harold, so really, he was more like Sirius-as-Sirius-as-Harold), certainly not when Remus was looking at him like that. He looked at the parchment and said: "Can you show me how it works? The map?"

Remus looked at him, but then nodded and tapped a parchment with his wand. Ink appeared on the parchment, and Sirius leaned closer so he could see what was showing on the map.

There was a surprised silence for a moment, which Remus broke with: "Seriously? I have not one, but two stalking friends? Piss off, Prongs."

* * *

Author's Notes: My first fanfic ever, after ~ten years of lurking around in fandom and reading fics :) Hope you enjoyed it. Originally I had around ~20 scenes planned in my rough outline in excel, but decided to cut down to a managable oneshot length and leave all the "filler" stuff away. I might revisit this story and add properly some of the scenes that now are just briefly mentioned by Sirius (how James tried to spy on him with cloak, first time Sirius-as-Harold visited library, first full moon of sixth year). Or I could write a second piece to this story based on some of those "missing scenes" from James' PoV. But will see, for now, I'm just happy that I finally, finally after years of procrastination, got something written! :)

This piece is right now unbetaed and English is not my first language, so if you liked it and would want to help me improve it (and/or my future stories), send me a PM!


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